Oh politics. You are the forerunner in just about every conversation in 2016. Whether we are reading CNN updates or scanning through the masses of disgruntled Facebook rants, many of us are only able to escape this bizarre show of the mating politician by running to the kitchen and hiding behind our pots and pans. But there must be a way to address politics in the kitchen right? Leaders of the free world still have to eat, they must have favorite foods and I imagine some of them even enjoy cooking. But this isn’t a feature blog on Trumps love of truffles or Hillary’s in-pocket hot sauce – today I wanted to talk about what food our outspoken presidential racers would be if they were indeed food. This should be fun.
Hillary Clinton – A Turnover Pastry
Hillary Clinton is a turnover pastry. Just flip flopping all over the place. Every time she speaks, her stance on social issues turns over to make the audience happy. Whatever flavor you need her to be, apple, cherry, dishonesty, raspberry, she’s got you covered. Like a turnover pastry, Mrs. Clinton is quite flaky on her ethics and morals. And even though she’s used Wall Street to butter to her way into the minds of most common Americans, at the end of the day she is filled with luscious riches and wealth hidden behind a thin, crumbling veil of puffed dough.
Bernie Sanders – Homemade Meatloaf
Do you know who doesn’t grow up on Homemade Meatloaf? The one percent. Like meatloaf, Bernie is here for you after a long day of working for the man. Perhaps a relic from a simpler time where groceries cost a little less and the average American family was a little better off. When eating meatloaf around the dinner table we don’t speak about why we aren’t eating Sharper Image Filet Mignon or which top secret recipes leaked out due to unlawful neglect, we talk about the social issues of the day and ways to make the world a better place to live in.
Donald Trump – Cotton Candy
As entertaining as it is cavity producing, Donald Trump represents Cotton Candy. This carnival treat holds exactly zero nutritional value while still captivating it’s audience with wisps of hot air. Often times enjoyed most by small hands, this children’s delight is fed to the masses at a high price, only to evaporate into it’s true granular form when ingested. Like all carnival treats, at the end of the day Cotton Candy will leave you with a stomach ache and an internal sense of disgust for having consumed such a useless fare.
Ted Cruz – Boiled Brussel Sprouts
We all grew up on them, and still no one can pallet this steaming pile of conservative views. Lacking any semblance of flavor, boiled Brussel Sprouts remind us of a time when misogyny was a way of life and smoking was healthy. Like Ted Cruz, boiled Brussel Sprouts hold a connotation of loathing due to the fact that the only way this banal vegetable is getting into your stomach is by forcibly shoving it down your throat. I would also like to associate Martin Shkreli with boiled Brussel Sprouts.
John Kasich – Cornbread
Perhaps little too old school for these modern times, John Kasich is southern cornbread. Cornbread is one of those additions to dinner that is almost there. It’s a little too dry and mealy to be eaten by itself. Cornbread requires a little butter and honey to be pleasing to the majority of Americans, but alas there is a lack of tasty condiments in a conservative refrigerator. Some woman like the taste of cornbread, some woman like the taste of basic human right to make a decision about their own bodies. Not all bad though, Cornbread is surely the least insane food in the pantry.
Did we get it wrong? What foods would you pair your favorite candidates with? Let us know in the comment section below.